


Now I fucked up and I'm missing you

by fickle_minded_heart



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-09-26 00:38:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9854216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fickle_minded_heart/pseuds/fickle_minded_heart
Summary: 'A relationship between a master and a padawan is forbidden’said master Ud-liin. But he loved his master so much,loved...





	1. Now I'm fucked up and I'm missing you

_‘Live in the moment’_ Qui-Gon always says. But it’s practically impossible to Obi-Wan to do so. It’s been a week since that day, that horrendous day when everything changed, when everything got destroyed, when the small blooming flame in Obi-Wan’s heart got ruthlessly blown out.

The Battle of Naboo, and the dessert child, the sith, and Qui-Gon almost dying in his arms. Everything he did (probably wrong) and everything he _didn’t do_ , the guilt, a knighting ceremony that he didn’t deserve, the serving of a braid.

He’s holding it now, the braid so small and delicate, not really representing all the work and suffering, the pain and hard earned lessons. _‘Live in the moment’_. With a deep sigh, Obi-Wan turns to look around. The Jedi temple is the same, full of life, full of people going on with their normal lives.

And yet… he couldn’t do it, go on with his normal life.

He knew it was wrong, he knew it was against the Jedi Code. _’A relationship between a master and a padawan is forbidden’_ said master Ud-liin. But he loved his master so much, _loved_... at first it was wonderful, Qui-Gon with his big hands, and soft kisses, with the warmth in his eyes as he looked ad Obi-Wan, the secret smiles and shared jokes. Then the frustration _“Why can you just listen to the council, master”,”there’s darkness in the boy, why can’t you feel it?”, “the boy needs to be trained”, “don’t leave me behind Qui-Gon, I can’t protect you if you do”._

A distraction, that almost cost Qui-Gon’s life, but that gave Obi-Wan the chance to end the sith. After... hungry kisses, needing more, needing contact, _“Obi-Wan, please I need you”_ , but something was wrong, something had changed and Obi-Wan didn’t know what _“Qui-Gon, slow down, slow down”_ , words ignored or not heard under the heavy breath, the beating heart.

Did he enjoy it? Did he just lay still and let Qui-Gon do what he wanted? did he said ‘ _stop_ ’? Enough, just enough, he needed time, he needed space, he needed a mission. A fresh knight, yes, but still he killed a sith, the council was going to agree on a solo mission.

 _“Are you certain that’s what you want?”_ Mace Windu looked at Obi-Wan, worry in his eyes. Did they fear him or for him?

And yes he was certain, an urgent mission to a faraway planet, one that will keep him away for months.He was running away and he knew it, the council knew it, just not the reason.

Midmorning meant that Qui-Gon and the boy _‘Anakin, Anakin, Anakin’_ he always keeps forgetting the name, are bound to be practicing katas. He arrives at their apartment, so messy, the boy is already filling every available space with his presence, with his droids and tools, the smell of oil so strong that makes him gag.

His room, well Anakin’s room now he supposes, is not better, dirty clothes and data pad and disarray, and good luck to his master trying to teach some order and control to the child if this is a reflexion of his mind.

 _‘Just the essentials, take what you need, the force will provide’_. After everything was ready and packed, he needed to go and see his master's room. Taking a deep breath, he let the memory play out.

 _‘Qui-Gon, slow down, please slow down’_ hands holding him down, kissing his neck, his hair, saying his name over and over _‘Obi-Wan,_ _Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, please, I need you, please Obi-Wan, please’_ removing clothes and searching, mapping the young knight’s skin. ‘ _Please_ ’ why didn't he fight? if he didn’t want it, why didn’t he stopped his master? he could have done it, so why?

He felt his master’s hand on his penis, it was soft, and that shocked the Jedi master, _“do you want this?”._ Did he? did he? did he?, ‘I don’t know’ he wanted to say, ‘I don’t know, make me want this, make me want us, I feel like there’s an abyss between us and I don’t know how to get back to you’. “ _Please_ ” he finally said.

Rough fingers inside him, not pleasant at all, _painful_ , he was using lube, so why was this so painful, to short a time to make his body accommodate to the intrusion of fingers, and Qui-Gon was already trying to push his member inside, and that really hurt, Obi-Wan´s mouth searched for his master, for a kiss, he took his penis in his hand, tried to make it feel good, to make it feel pleasant, to forget about the intrusion in his body. _Intrusion_... strange, it always felt like completion. 

It didn’t last long, thanks the force for small favors, he couldn’t breathe, the weight of Qui-Gon over him was too much, the implication of this action was too much. He wanted to leave, he needed to leave, now. _“Bant wants to celebrate my knighting, I should go clean up”_ , a drowsy _‘have fun’_ from Qui-Gon and he was free.

He’s not been back to his apartment in days, he wonders if Qui-Gon notices, he wonders if he cares.

He wonders if Qui-Gon ever cared about him, ever loved him, and if so, why was it so easy to take another padawan and push him aside? Why was there such immeasurable distance between them, even when he had Qui-Gon's lips on his, his greedy hands holding him close, he wonders if his master only wanted the comfort of sex and a willing body. But he’s tired and needs to leave soon, the transport awaits...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could be read as a stand alone, it probably is. I could write more about this ...maybe, perhaps, no promises.  
> Obi-Wan is still a padawan but is over the age of consent.


	2. I'm begging darling, please absolve me of my sins.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Why was I not informed?, I’m his master and have…”_   
>  _“You have no right, he’s not your padawan, remember, you said he was ready, you said he was capable"._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Qui-Gon's pov.   
> Obi-Wan is gone on a mission. He's at temple searching for answers.

Every day I meditate, every day I reach for him, for the bond that I carelessly broke when they told me he was gone for his first mission, 'come back, I need you’, but all I can hear in my mind are his words _“The boy is dangerous. They all sense it; why can't you?”_  
The light of my heart. My sweet Obi-Wan.

Anakin is greedy…  
He’s greedy for knowledge, feelings, attention, soaking the lessons I impart with joy, but the chaos is a constant inside his mind, inside his heart.

“Master Qui-Gon, sir?”  
‘ _Master_ ’ but it’s only and eco, a Memory... our bond lies silent.  
I take a deep breath, “Yes, Anakin?”  
“Are we done?” “only, we have been meditating for soooo long”.  
“And yet, you never could find your center, padawan”.  
“Sorry master”.

“How goes the training of your padawan? says master Windu.  
“He’s doing his best”.  
“There was an incident with initiate Skafft…” Master Plo Koon's face shows compassion, for Anakin or myself, I do not now.  
“Yes, I have already talked to him”.  
“Finding his center, is he?” his eyes don’t meet mine, master Yoda sees it all, master Yoda sees nothing.  
“We have been trying extra meditations”.  
“What about the mother” “does he still shows attachment?” Of course he does, she was his family for nine years, we have been in his life for only two.  
“We are meditating about attachment, masters”.  
“See you next week then, I hope he has shown some progress”.  
...The council is, as always unmovable.

  
“Qui-Gon are you sure you can do this?” My old friend asks later that night.  
“What other choice is there Mace? he has to be trained, he’s too…. _‘Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, dan...’_ important to let him loose in the galaxy, especially with the sith…”  
“Mmm”, “ I wonder if he’s not in more danger with us” Windu replies.  
‘where’s Obi-Wan, where is him? I want to ask, him, Yoda, the universe itself, but the subject of attachment is fresh on my mind.  
He looks at me for a long time, does my desperation show in the force?“...He still reported as missing in action, there has been no new information. I’m sorry Qui-Gon” Mace’s face is also full of pity.

The room of a thousand fountains is beautiful, as it always is, as it always will be, the artificial perfection of it makes me cringe, I need balance. I need to meditate, Bant is floating in the water, I remember her teaching Obi-Wan to swim, I remember.. _.“Bant wants to celebrate my knighting, I should go clean up”_ I could feel the lie in his voice, in the force, his need to escape. My fingers involuntarily clenching against his hip ‘don’t go’. I am a greedy man, maybe that’s the failings in my teachings. Xanatos face is clear in my mind, so is Anakin’s.

  
_”where is him?, where’s Obi-Wan?”_  
_“He has, as of yesterday a MIA status.”_  
_“Why was I not informed?, I’m his master and have…”_  
_“You have no right, he’s not your padawan, remember, you said he was ready, you said he was capable” I flinch at that. A low blow my friend. Still, I need answers._  
_“Why did you let him go, he’s a new knight for force sakes, what were you thinking”_  
_“He wanted the mission, he asked for it.“_

  
‘ _Qui-Gon, slow down, please slow down’_ Obi-Wan, I could feel myself losing you, your love was escaping from my hands like water.  
_'do you want this?' ...'yes'_ , but did you, my love?, The feeling of you sheltering me in your body is sweet torture, your hands touching me, nails on my back, your mouth tasted like desperation, we were falling, and clinging to each other, and although I wanted you with me always, I pushed you away ‘I take Anakin as my padawan learner’.

His voice, his voice. I turn around and there he is walking next to Adi. His beautiful eyes catch mine I can feel nothing in the force from him.  
“Obi-Wan” his face is impassive, like a beautiful doll from Dallgn, serene, his eyes like mirrors.  
“Master Jinn”. ‘Master Jinn?’  
“When did you get back?”  
He takes a breath to answer me, but master Gallia interrupts, “Sorry master Jinn, He’s expected by the council”  
He bows low, showing respect and nothing more, I try to catch anything from him, I could read every micro-expression on his face since he has 14. He tells me nothing now.

**Author's Note:**

> This could be read as a stand alone, it probably is. I could write more about this ...maybe, perhaps, no promises.  
> Obi-Wan is still a padawan but is over the age of consent.


End file.
